Ever felt sad about nothing but everything. Felt like you have nothing but there’s everything. That hole in your heart is the deep-down pain that you didn’t tell anyone about.
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Sitting all alone these days I think about nothing.Poem by Suzan Khoja.
You remind me of the pain that I felt in me.
I remember your smile but not your life,
I remember your sacrifice but never gave you time,
and maybe that’s why I feel like there’s everything,
but yet nothing.
The burden you gave me is so hurtful,
I feel like I can take it off but that’s not true.
My heart cries for freedom, can you give me some?
I miss you but can’t tell you so,
Because I hurt you in ways unknown.
Come back is all I can say today, even though I know that’s not the way nature works its way.
These days are one of those days when I feel like not blogging but just sitting and crying over the pain I went through when I first found out my grandfather left me.
July 26 2018. This day changed my life. At 7 AM in the morning my uncle ran into my room and woke me up, “Suzan, Your granddad passed away.” This sentence and the words in it changed my life. I, at first thought it was a joke but it wasn’t. I wish it was. I cried for the whole day and broke down at night. I kept crying and crying with no sense of why this happened. I couldn’t figure out anything and I still can’t. I blame everyone for his death and blame myself for ignoring him and being too busy in my life to talk to him.
I can’t control myself anymore and felt like pouring myself out. I don’t tell people how I feel because no one understands. I couldn’t stop myself from writing about him today. The reason I started blogging was to fill the void in my heart. I can’t fill it.
My family behaves like he never existed but he did. I know he did. I know they are trying to control further damage that his loss brought to the family’s mental peace. I feel his presence. I feel his love but he is not here and that makes a big difference.
He gave up his pension from retirement, his all riches just to save me from cancer. He used to work up to 5 am in the morning. He was the best and most respected advocate, accountant and grandfather.
I couldn’t see him during the burial because I was in Africa. I couldn’t be with him because my family took me for further treatment to Africa when I was 2 years and settled down over there. I missed the most important thing in my life, the love and pampering of a grandfather.
He had diabetes and when we used to come from Africa we used to bring a lot of chocolates when my family went out shopping he used to sneak in the kitchen and take some. I always caught him and we ate chocolates together. He was 73 years old.
Now that I look at my life, why I want to go back to Africa is because he isn’t here. His memories haunt me. Since I started tuition, I felt like if he was here, he would teach me. All the other people are too dumb, my grandad was a genius.
I wish he was here. I really wish. I just can’t stop crying after coming to India. His death affected me more than anyone because everyone spent time with him except me.
I used to come to India every 5 years for 15 to 20 days where I used to stay a week at my mom’s relatives house and 7 days at my grandfather’s house. In those 7 days, I barely talked to him. I don’t know why. I feel like punishing myself for being such a swine. Now that he is gone, I feel like a lot of things were left unsaid and unheard.
I miss him and I regret not paying attention to him. I can’t control my emotions, it’s been over a year but I still feel sad. I feel like why can’t he just come back and talk to me?? I was planning to shift to India, couldn’t he wait for me to come. Why did he die?
I came back after a month,Poem by Suzan Khoja.
Couldn’t you wait until I returned??
The house haunts me every moment, every minute.
Couldn’t you tell me what was so wrong in me??
That you left me all alone to cry in the dark.
Nobody understands me as you did once.
After all the sacrifices you made for me,
Couldn’t you wait for me to come??
Couldn’t you give me some time to make it up to you?
My heart cries when I see others enjoy,
with their grandpa, they all rejoice.
I ask you why did you leave?? Giving me a burden that haunts me within.
I sleep every night thinking you will be back.
Was I so bad a kid that you left without a goodbye?
I forgive you for leaving but tell me how,
am I supposed to stop my heart from crying all night?
This burden is killing me every night. I couldn’t miss him more than anyone in this world does. I find it hard to believe he’s gone but when I see the empty chair in which he used to sit and the empty computer room in which the voices of typing came, I feel it.
I will tell you all only 1 thing. Be with your family as long as they are with you because once they leave, you won’t have anything except a burden that you couldn’t spend time with them because of your busy life and trust me when I say that burden hurts more than anything in this world.
Forgive and let go family grudges because one day, you will only be burdened that your ego overcame the love and peaceful life and beautiful memories you could have.
Don’t burden yourself. I might get 100 years old but the burden of avoiding my grandpa and staying away from him will always be on my heart and my soul. So go spend time with your family, that’s the least you can do to avoid a burden of a lifetime.
16 days after my birthday, he died. I don’t celebrate my birthday because I didn’t talk to him much, I was too busy cutting a cake. Don’t do this to yourself. I am 18 years old and have a burden for a lifetime. Go to your family, you will need the memories more than the money when they pass away.
That’s it for today. Like, share and follow my blog for more sad posts. Comment and tell me your sad moments and burdens because sharing makes the burden lighter. I feel quite light right now.